Love and Limits: The Importance of "No" in Effective Parenting
By Dr. Gary Buffone
K
ids need nurturing from their parents to thrive, Just as much as they need oxygen to live. And nurturing, like oxygen, is comprised of two essential elements, love and discipline. Take either away and the child suffers. Now parents can err either way by giving too much or too little love or discipline to their kids, and I believe gender plays a role here. Moms are trained to be specialists in the nurturing side but often have a tough time applying discipline or laying down the law, saying "No." Moms are notoriously seen as "softees" or pushovers in the parental dyad. On the other hand, Dads traditionally play the role of heavy disciplinarians whose specialty is setting limits or being the "bad cop" with the kids. How many of us have memories of out Moms warning us, "You just wait to your father gets home," when we got out of line. But regardless of gender, many parents would rather pass when it comes to telling their kids "No." Why? Because they're either lazy or chicken! Some parents just don't want to take on the tough job of disciplining their kids. Other parents fail to discipline children because they're afraid, they don't want to deal with the child's rage, for fear that the child will not like them, or out of guilt that they are not spending enough time with them. And worst case is when they buy out of disciplining and give their kids things instead of themselves. Then they're planting the seeds for the Silver Spoon syndrome.
I talk about the importance of No's in what I call the Law of Loving Limits: Fulfill Their Nonmaterial Needs-Including Their Need for "No." "No's" are like vitamins to kids and should be given daily Regular doses of the "No" vitamin can cure kids of fits and those "fall on the floor kicking and screaming" tantrums and help children that are easily annoyed by obstacles, quit easily when faced with adversity, and can't delay gratification. In other words, training our kids to deal well with limits and obstacles build their emotional muscle and resilience.
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